Dynamic and highly-effective afterschool programs are places for generative discussion and intensive action. Language functions as a tool for bonding, innovating, coordinating, and cooperating. People can speak from their hearts and connect with each other in the spirit of dialog—from the Greek dia + logos, moving through.
Dialog is an essential element of organizational learning and highly-effective leaderhip. Peter Senge identifies three conditions that are necessary for dialog to occur: all participants must suspend their assumptions; all participants must regard one another as colleagues; and there must be a facilitator who holds the context of the dialog.
When people talk and listen to each other, they create an alignment of purpose that produces incredible ability to invent new possibilities in conversation and bring about these possibilities in reality. There must be sufficient meeting time scheduled into people’s professional calendars to step back from the day-to-day operations and reflect on what is happening in the program. It is important for highly-effective leaders to understand that ideas can be developed best through dialog and discussion. Through dialog, people can predict and solve problems, replace obsolete systems, and create new systems.
Communication is an exchange or sharing of ideas. It is the essence of social interaction. It is the basis of how we see the world and how the world responds to us. We live in a world filled with other people. We live together, work together, and play together. In our personal lives, we need each other for security, comfort, friendship, and love. In our working environment, we need each other in order to achieve our goals and objectives. None of these goals can be achieved without communication.
Communication is the oil of the proverbial “well-oiled machine.” It makes all the parts of an operation run smoothly and effectively. Communication is the basic thread that ties us together. Through communication, we make known our needs, our wants, our ideas, and our feelings. The better we are at communicating, the more effective we are at achieving our hopes and dreams.
When we communicate, we extend something of ourselves into others and take back a part of them. Effective communication is good for interpersonal relationships and organizational effectiveness. It makes growth and change possible, but involves two risks: we may expose what we really are inside, and we may possibly change into something different.
Poor communication skills are at the core of many frustrating relationship problems, whether with coworkers, friends, spouses, children, or authority figures. Barriers, which limit our ability to relate to others, can include fear, impatience, inattentiveness, biases, mistaken assumptions, power and role issues, mistrust, personal behaviors, environmental considerations, and level of understanding.
Communication pitfalls happen when we become unconscious about what we say to others or how we say it. If we are thoughtful about these pitfalls and how they are detrimental to our relationships, then we can make a conscious choice about what we say, how we say it, and how we choose to listen.
Seventeen Important Communication Strategies and Pitfalls
1. Before you open your mouth, W.A.I.T.—that stands for Why Am I Talking. Be clear in your own mind what you want to communicate to others. Think about it and script it out before you speak or write. This is the natural style of the introvert, but it can be especially important and extremely effective for all people when preparing for conversations we know may be difficult.
2. Be accountable. When we are accountable, we know that we are in charge of our life and how we perceive it. No one else can make us do or feel anything. Accountability adds power to our relationships. If we are accountable, there is no room for blame. When we are accountable, we have room to choose our experience of a situation and then move forward with clarity. Don’t say, “She made me feel bad,” instead say “I chose to perceive that as personal.” Don’t say, “He hurt my feelings,” instead say, “I let my feelings be hurt.”
3. What you HEARD is not what I SAID! Strategic planning for the “what” and the “how” of communication can help prevent this. It has been said that when two people talk to each other, six voices are heard:
4. Get to know how the other person communicates. Not everyone thinks or communicates the same way. It is important to know gender, cultural, and individual differences in communication styles, as well as individual communication strengths of the listener. Communicate with others, not in the way you want them to communicate with you, but in the way THEY want you to communicate with them.
5. Say what you mean. Be specific! Vagueness and imprecise language are useless. Speaking the facts allows a clear solution to occur as well as the opportunity for action. Specifics let others know exactly what you want and need. Clarity in our language lets us be more affirmative, direct and effective.
6. Don’t dilute yourself. Don’t bring up an issue that is important and then dilute it by saying, “But it’s not a big deal,” or “But we all could be better at that.” This passive, wimpy style lowers your effectiveness and thereby lowers your self-esteem. It encourages others to take advantage of you.
7. Be objective and presume positive intentions. Don’t presume that because someone does something that makes you angry that the person doesn’t care about you. When you communicate an issue, explain what you actually observed or heard and then ask the person to explain his/her intentions, and if necessary specify a more acceptable option. Describe problems in terms of the behavior you see and the standards of behavior you expect. Describ0e the behaviors you see, its consequences, and your feelings without making accusations and attributing motives.
8. Express only what YOU feel. Don’t say or write, “Shirley is really angry with you.” Often when this happens, that person goes back to confront Shirley, who says she wasn’t angry, but then Shirley gets angry with the person who said that she was. Communicate what YOU feel and let Shirley communicate what she feels.
9. No sideways communicating. In the most destructive form this is gossip. If you have something you wish to communicate about another person, start by communicating it directly with that person. If you need a “sounding board” to rehearse what and how you will communicate, choose a friend or family member who does not relate with the other person, or choose a supervisor. It is not appropriate to talk to the person’s peers or subordinates in a negative way.
10. The situation will not go away if you ignore it or avoid it. There are several approaches to take in a conflict resolution situation: forcing/competing, accommodating, compromising, collaborating, and avoiding. Unless tempers are high, avoidance is not the best choice. Avoidance results in frustration from lack of resolution, and it encourages others to use your chosen technique when they need to communicate with you. In other words, if you avoid others, they will avoid you.
11. Say it or stuff it. Don’t punish others because you are avoidant. Don’t become passively aggressive; don’t gossip; don’t sulk or pout; don’t seek revenge; don’t ignore people. If you can’t respectfully and assertively communicate your issue, then suck it up and get over it.
12. Use non-verbal communication. Only about 65 percent of our communication is nonverbal. Don’t limit yourself to verbal communication. Develop skills in facial expression, tone of voice, and body language. Look interested. Reduce the level of distraction; putting away work or closing a door may send a non-verbal message that you are ready to listen. In written communication, take care to convey the emotion you want. Since written communication is void of emotion, misunderstanding the emotional context is a potential problem.
13. Maintain eye contact. It has been said that males listen with their ears, not their eyes. Males sometimes need to work harder at maintaining eye contact than females, to which it comes more naturally. But eye contact can be interpreted as aggression when the conversation becomes heated. So remember: not when hot! When it gets “hot,” breaking eye contact may help to diffuse the anger.
14. Listen well. Listen to the true meaning of others. Listen with your whole body. Press your lips together. Sometimes attentive silence is best; giving the speaker uninterrupted time to say what needs to be said. It may be appropriate to ask questions for clarification but be careful to avoid asking questions that detract from the speaker’s main point. Ask open-ended questions. If a speaker has come to you at a time when you cannot give her your full attention, consider letting her know that and setting a specific time to converse.
15. Confirm and clarify. Listen reflectively. Paraphrasing the words, meaning, and emotions of the speaker acknowledges that you understand and provides the opportunity to correct any misunderstandings. Probe for increased understanding by saying, “Please say more about…” or “I’m curious about…”
Ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand things before responding. It is especially important to do this when people use a label or speak in generalities.
16. Acknowledge and affirm emotions: name it! Acknowledge the feeling behind the concern or demand. Learning to acknowledge the other person’s reality can be enormously helpful. Whatever turn the dialog takes, it is important that you handle it with respect. Even when they are upset or angry, tell them that you are glad that they called or came to speak with you. Tell them that you can’t do anything about a problem you don’t know about. Tell them many others might not come and talk to you, and you are glad they did! There are many ways to acknowledge another person, whether a parent, child, leader, or colleague:
Acknowledge a person’s feelings.
Acknowledge a person’s situation or reality.
Acknowledge a person’s positive intention or their lack of negative intention.
Take responsibility for anything you may have done to contribute to the problem.
17. Value and invest in open communication. Realize how important effective communication is in your life. “It’s about the relationships.” Effective communication is a strong part of being an effective leader, follower, spouse, parent, and citizen. Be a student of communication; learn about your communication styles and weaknesses, learn strategies to improve your communication, and then work to implement what you learn into your day-to-day communication strategies.
Communication is like a sewer…what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
1. Before you open your mouth, W.A.I.T.—that stands for Why Am I Talking. Be clear in your own mind what you want to communicate to others. Think about it and script it out before you speak or write. This is the natural style of the introvert, but it can be especially important and extremely effective for all people when preparing for conversations we know may be difficult.
2. Be accountable. When we are accountable, we know that we are in charge of our life and how we perceive it. No one else can make us do or feel anything. Accountability adds power to our relationships. If we are accountable, there is no room for blame. When we are accountable, we have room to choose our experience of a situation and then move forward with clarity. Don’t say, “She made me feel bad,” instead say “I chose to perceive that as personal.” Don’t say, “He hurt my feelings,” instead say, “I let my feelings be hurt.”
3. What you HEARD is not what I SAID! Strategic planning for the “what” and the “how” of communication can help prevent this. It has been said that when two people talk to each other, six voices are heard:
- What you THINK you say.
- What you actually DO say.
- What the other person THINKS you say.
- What the other person THINKS he says.
- What the other person actually DOES say.
- What you THINK the other person says.
4. Get to know how the other person communicates. Not everyone thinks or communicates the same way. It is important to know gender, cultural, and individual differences in communication styles, as well as individual communication strengths of the listener. Communicate with others, not in the way you want them to communicate with you, but in the way THEY want you to communicate with them.
5. Say what you mean. Be specific! Vagueness and imprecise language are useless. Speaking the facts allows a clear solution to occur as well as the opportunity for action. Specifics let others know exactly what you want and need. Clarity in our language lets us be more affirmative, direct and effective.
6. Don’t dilute yourself. Don’t bring up an issue that is important and then dilute it by saying, “But it’s not a big deal,” or “But we all could be better at that.” This passive, wimpy style lowers your effectiveness and thereby lowers your self-esteem. It encourages others to take advantage of you.
7. Be objective and presume positive intentions. Don’t presume that because someone does something that makes you angry that the person doesn’t care about you. When you communicate an issue, explain what you actually observed or heard and then ask the person to explain his/her intentions, and if necessary specify a more acceptable option. Describe problems in terms of the behavior you see and the standards of behavior you expect. Describ0e the behaviors you see, its consequences, and your feelings without making accusations and attributing motives.
8. Express only what YOU feel. Don’t say or write, “Shirley is really angry with you.” Often when this happens, that person goes back to confront Shirley, who says she wasn’t angry, but then Shirley gets angry with the person who said that she was. Communicate what YOU feel and let Shirley communicate what she feels.
9. No sideways communicating. In the most destructive form this is gossip. If you have something you wish to communicate about another person, start by communicating it directly with that person. If you need a “sounding board” to rehearse what and how you will communicate, choose a friend or family member who does not relate with the other person, or choose a supervisor. It is not appropriate to talk to the person’s peers or subordinates in a negative way.
10. The situation will not go away if you ignore it or avoid it. There are several approaches to take in a conflict resolution situation: forcing/competing, accommodating, compromising, collaborating, and avoiding. Unless tempers are high, avoidance is not the best choice. Avoidance results in frustration from lack of resolution, and it encourages others to use your chosen technique when they need to communicate with you. In other words, if you avoid others, they will avoid you.
11. Say it or stuff it. Don’t punish others because you are avoidant. Don’t become passively aggressive; don’t gossip; don’t sulk or pout; don’t seek revenge; don’t ignore people. If you can’t respectfully and assertively communicate your issue, then suck it up and get over it.
12. Use non-verbal communication. Only about 65 percent of our communication is nonverbal. Don’t limit yourself to verbal communication. Develop skills in facial expression, tone of voice, and body language. Look interested. Reduce the level of distraction; putting away work or closing a door may send a non-verbal message that you are ready to listen. In written communication, take care to convey the emotion you want. Since written communication is void of emotion, misunderstanding the emotional context is a potential problem.
13. Maintain eye contact. It has been said that males listen with their ears, not their eyes. Males sometimes need to work harder at maintaining eye contact than females, to which it comes more naturally. But eye contact can be interpreted as aggression when the conversation becomes heated. So remember: not when hot! When it gets “hot,” breaking eye contact may help to diffuse the anger.
14. Listen well. Listen to the true meaning of others. Listen with your whole body. Press your lips together. Sometimes attentive silence is best; giving the speaker uninterrupted time to say what needs to be said. It may be appropriate to ask questions for clarification but be careful to avoid asking questions that detract from the speaker’s main point. Ask open-ended questions. If a speaker has come to you at a time when you cannot give her your full attention, consider letting her know that and setting a specific time to converse.
15. Confirm and clarify. Listen reflectively. Paraphrasing the words, meaning, and emotions of the speaker acknowledges that you understand and provides the opportunity to correct any misunderstandings. Probe for increased understanding by saying, “Please say more about…” or “I’m curious about…”
- Repeat what you have heard for clarification. Make sure you’ve got it right!
- “Let me see if I’ve got this right.”
- “So what you’re saying is…”
- “Wait, I’m not sure I got that! Tell me again!”
Ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand things before responding. It is especially important to do this when people use a label or speak in generalities.
- “What do you mean by ‘hyper’ (etc.)?” “Can you give me an example?”
- “What did he do and say?” “What did you have in mind?”
- “What was it you were trying to do?” “What have you tried so far?”
16. Acknowledge and affirm emotions: name it! Acknowledge the feeling behind the concern or demand. Learning to acknowledge the other person’s reality can be enormously helpful. Whatever turn the dialog takes, it is important that you handle it with respect. Even when they are upset or angry, tell them that you are glad that they called or came to speak with you. Tell them that you can’t do anything about a problem you don’t know about. Tell them many others might not come and talk to you, and you are glad they did! There are many ways to acknowledge another person, whether a parent, child, leader, or colleague:
Acknowledge a person’s feelings.
Acknowledge a person’s situation or reality.
Acknowledge a person’s positive intention or their lack of negative intention.
Take responsibility for anything you may have done to contribute to the problem.
17. Value and invest in open communication. Realize how important effective communication is in your life. “It’s about the relationships.” Effective communication is a strong part of being an effective leader, follower, spouse, parent, and citizen. Be a student of communication; learn about your communication styles and weaknesses, learn strategies to improve your communication, and then work to implement what you learn into your day-to-day communication strategies.
Communication is like a sewer…what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
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